I must admit,
I almost bought into the world’s cliché understanding of “balance”.

As rooted as I had become in my true sense of self, the doubts and degrading words of others still lingered somewhere within me.

Though I constantly propelled forward on my path, guided by spirit. Deep down inside I questioned whether naysayers were right and if I was too blinded, optimistic and possibly misleading myself.

​You see,
When words of doubt come from some of the individuals you love the most, invest in and give opportunity. It’s hard not to question yourself.
I questioned my confidence, my intuition, my motives, my beauty, my success and my entire foundation.

I had “friends” joke about my business as if I was a failure, saying things to the next person as if what I had built was a joke and they were better than me.
I had previous business associates attempt to defame my name, passing judgement on me as if I was an egotistical monster who wanted success only for myself and did not care for them.
The man I loved belittled me subtly, slighting my physical “flaws” and the bed I slept on.
Family, who tried to repaint me as nothing more than a weed head and college dropout with unreasonable dreams.

I grown to view my heart and authenticity as my greatest asset.
By following the direct guidance of source, I’ve acquired things I never even knew were possible.

When I began this journey, I had one request; to be to others, what I needed the most as a child.
At time this seemed like an admirable request.
I did not have visions of being like any star, being featured on any show or magazine.
My heartfelt and honest inquiry to the universe was simply to love and be loved.

​I say I almost bought into the world’s cliché understanding of “balance” because I almost, allowed them to convince me that who I had become was not enough.
As if working on my spirit steadily to increase my personal magnetism was not enough and I had to dibble and dabble in worldliness.

In between 2018-2019 I had a car accident that changed my life and realigned my vision.
I was given the opportunity to start anew, with clear instructions to move past those who left me for dead.
Not a phone call, visit or message of encouragement came from those I helped the most.

I isolated myself, flourished abundantly and came into a version of power that finally seemed like my physical environment was aligning with my spiritual work.

After reprogramming my subconscious mind for years upon years, my manifestations seemed to be coming in bigger and bolder than ever.

After taking 12 swords out of my back and allowing my wounds to heal, it almost seemed as if the universe was waiting for me to remove interferences to fruitfully bring in my birthright of abundance.

TO BE CONTINUED

I always knew I was destined for greatness.
I've never felt at home among any group, and even my family home didn't feel much like "home." My childhood is filled with a multitude of powerful and radiant memories, however, the closer I got to adolescence, the more numb I became to the ways of the world.
I can still envision the apartment's living room in which I expressed to my mother and stepfather that I felt left out. Everyone in the home carried the same last name except for me. I requested that my name be changed to the name they all carried so proudly so I too could be a part of this American dream.
However, it never happened.
Today I am glad that I never assumed the last name of my stepfather.
but ....
 my inner child still longs for a family dynamic I can call my own and feel one with.
I'm grateful the changes were never made because the truth of all that surrounded me at the time was too much for my 7 year old mind to decipher. Now, at 22 I see the unhealthy ways and traditions of the people I love the most.

A Detached Father:
Even though I am only his stepdaughter, the lack of direct provision and protection of this man has impacted my life in more ways than I was previously able to accept. The worst part of it all is, I've never witnessed him actually love or show compassion towards my mother. I do however, recall times where he would beat her and in times where she was hurt, he struggled to comfort her. As I grew, I learned that his detachment from his mother played a major role in his actions. As a result, I learned to understand rather than judge him from a space of my own feelings of hate.

An Absent Father:
My biological father made his presence known in words, but not action. I assume he was too busy, and blamed the NSA for keeping me away from my father. I needed someone to blame, after all it was too much for my 11 year old heart to comprehend that an important piece of my existence didn't see a reason to put effort into building an in person relationship with me. I think my father is the first man that expressed my beauty in words but made me feel ugly with his actions. I felt abandoned.
​Today I still struggle with identity crisis, I carried his name for so long to no avail.
Our last visit wasn't a good one. I often get notified by men that I am utterly intimidating, I never paid too much attention to those words until my father confirmed them. 
I'll never forget my sister's wedding day, my father saw me and said nothing. It was almost as if I was a ghost who didn't exist. He treated me much like guys do when they meet you online, but are afraid to speak to you in person. 
Another opportunity to revive a part of me that was dying, missed. 
I took it upon myself to do my own healing and put the responsibility to heal us in my hands.
However, I am starting to believe that I may have to purge alone as I grow.

A Battered Mother: As I experience myself as a free spirited young woman, I feel one with the inner child of my mother. The inner child I see when she laughs or when she cries. My mother is human. She is not perfect, but none of us are, What I do know is, my mother sacrificed for all us and never thought twice about doing it. She is my rock and I often feel like I have to be in her corner when everyone else forgets that she too deserves compassion, love and nurturing. I often wish she took on the responsibility to be more kind in her speech, after all life and death exists within the tongue. I often wish the negative commentary spawned from the seat of her frustration didn't impact my subconscious mind and become the voice in the back of my head. Sometimes I'm way too hard on myself and nothing seems good enough. However, I've allowed myself to be a catalyst for the growth and renewal of this matriarchy. Understanding the stresses of the world that can become a domino effect of negativity.
No one ever says look how much we've damaged her yet she survived, they just simply say look how damaged she is.
TO BE CONTINUED