There are two types of Pain
Pointless Pain: The outcome of resistance and becoming a slave to the ego
The Pain That Evolves You: The outcome of faith and surrendering to your higher self
A short story about the foreshadowing reflections of Venus in retrograde:
My "romantic" love life or lack thereof, is under critical evaluation. Where have I fallen short of loving myself?
In what spaces, during what time periods?
Finally, I've found the courage to reinstall Snapchat, where I saved countless memories of us.
I worked hard over the last few months to remove them from my brain, but I now know that the key is to instead reprogram my feelings towards our experience.
You were my friend I whispered . . . .
To myself, . . . because there is no one else in this room besides my body and your memories.
You were my friend, you made me laugh even in moments where I resisted the urge and you would lay your head between my thighs just because you felt safe there.
That night when you begged me not to leave you, you must have felt my mind wandering, my soul unsatisfied and my body breaking free from bondage of this superficial love we built.
We spent 80 percent of our relationship too high to realize we weren't good for each other and 90 percent of our time not being true to ourselves.
I reminisce on nights where I cleaned the house, ironed your clothes, made dinner then proceeded to eat it alone in silence.
I could always depend on you to bring home a box of dessert. Cashews & cranberries covered in and topped off with excuses.
It was then that I realized my love for you became abusive to my own health.
I'd eat those excuses as if my decision to become celibate wasn't proof that I knew of your late night expeditions.
I expressed the revelations of my dreams to you time after time to help you come clean about something we both felt.
We were falling apart.
Today I am still uncertain if it was due to lack of chemistry or your lack of discipline.
You were in search for the attention your mother too often deprived you of.
I should've known you would run because your father never stayed. I knew the game but still opted to play because this would soon become the pain that evolved me.
Fatherless, a concept I tried to refrain from accepting.
What does a man do? How could I be certain?
I've never relied on a man for his protection or provision but I yearn for those very qualities in the partner I wish to spend my life with.
Someone should have taught us about complementary balance.
That the person for you fills in those spaces, like holding hands. . . .
The first time you held my hand was in the woods, the same day you opted to leave, but couldn't follow through.
I wondered, how could someone keenly tell me I wasn't who they needed, then turn back around and beg me to stay.
I now wonder how much self value and love I lacked to allow you to treat me as a if I was a disregard-able item.
There was a part of me that never asked you for anything, yet the other half needed to know she was worth protecting, loving and investing in.
It became no doubt that truth would hit the fan and I'd be tested on the advice I give out so freely to others "love yourself".
I have started to reprogram my mind to reminisce on the great times where the illusion of our love filled me with so much joy. I now know that our experience was the pre show to the unconditional love that has been gifted to me.
I spend time reflecting in gratitude and no longer cowering in pain.
You were a checkpoint for my ego and unapplied knowledge.
Here I stand today, with a clear vision of what type of lover I will be:
I am 5 months into the best relationship I've ever had with myself and I find new ways to love my true self every day.
A piece of advice for Venus Retrograde: Reflect on the facts in love, agree to do better and work towards it with patience and compassion.
Self love is your foundation for attracting the love you deserve to evolve in and with.
Photographer: @theebonybabe @photosbydejah
Copyright © 2017 Melanin Reigns Essentials LLC. All rights reserved.
Meet Your Writer✨
Melanin Reigns is a spiritual counselor, freelance writer and multifaceted creator.
As a performing artist with the Speak Life Tour, she takes on music, written/spoken word, and hosting as a form of mentorship and a way to give back to the community.
On first and third Tuesdays Mrs.Reigns hosts “The Mentoring Clinic” on WOLB 1010, with intent to shine a light on community businesses and organizations. More than just a writer or entrepreneur she is 360 degrees of versatility.
The motivation of her efforts is powered by her love for the inner child and rewiring of the human heart and psyche.
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